I am lost

On the ice flows of my mind

Drifting in mist filled dark

Waiting for the sun to rise

I am driving to Winnipeg in silence. I hate silence. It is far too loud.

There are too many thoughts in my head…every worry, anxiety, person, activity, relative, work task, bird, tree, and more ring through my head like a thousand voices at once. It has always been this way.

For years on my drives I would call April. It was a beautiful distraction and we grew closer as a result. We would talk for up to an hour about random things. I can’t do that anymore. April is gone and I am left in my loud silence.

I tried calling her cell phone while driving just to hear her voice in her voicemail but her line has already been disconnected. I should have recorded it earlier.

So I just drive.

It’s possible to put on music or the audiobook I am working through but no…I need this silence I think. I cannot continue to flee from the discipline of learning to be alone with myself…but it has always been so hard. I don’t know how people do it really.

Since April died (too young) I think about ends. I think about how they sneak up on us unaware like a back ally mugging. We are moving through life simply existing as best we can, planning the future. Planning for retirement or the weekend. Thinking about how there will be time to call that friend or family member. To tell people how deeply they have affected you. Then one day – boom – you just don’t wake up…and all those plans are for naught.

We live our day to day oblivious to how petty our little angers are. How small our conflicts. We should be focused on the beauty of what and who we have while we have it. We should suck the marrow out of these good things until we can’t.

I’m driving in silence but I am not. My head and my heart are screaming. How do I continue in this? It is so difficult.

My column in this week’s Winkler Morden Voice Newspaper.

I am sad

But I can’t cry

I am tired

But I can’t sleep

I am afraid

But I can’t care

I am angry

But I can’t scream

I am in pain

But I’m numb

I am alive

But I feel dead

I am old

But I feel young

I have a little sister

But i don’t

I don’t

Snake crept low into the garden

And brought temptation

As a storm of ruin;

It took barely a whisper,

Such was the human heart

Dying to be pushed from the cliff

That it might thrill in the fall

Ignoring the crushing end

While pulling everyone they could

Into the black abyss with them

Now we wait on our own Mary

To come on the cleansing sunrise

Wrapt in the robes of the blue sky

To crush the serpent beneath her heel

And spare us all from this cycle of pain

We

We fall into old shadows

When we’re in pain

Dark and hoary paths

That tear our flesh;

Unfilled holes dug blindly

To trap passersby

But ensnare us instead

And the cycle

It never seems to end

The stars are blinking out

One after another

And soon they’ll be gone

And me with them

Leaving empty blackness

Hollow spaces

Where there used to be

Something

Every light is vanishing

I cannot sleep

You are there

At the edge of my mind

Haunting my dreams

And the world

Still feels like you’re here

As though I could call you

And you would answer

Or I could text you a meme

And you’d lol back

But I know

I know your gone

And these are phantom pains

From a limb that was amputated

But the body refuses to let it go

I refuse to let you go

It is too hard

it rained
the whole long day
and all the night before
we found out…
you would have liked
the pathetic fallacy
of it all
i think

too soon
too soon
too soon

you
you were supposed
to leave last of all of us
you were the smallest of us
the one with
the loudest voice of us
you were meant
to close the door
and turn out the lights

how angry that it was now
that there was no more time
oh you would have railed
and so best you never knew
how pleased would you be
that Morpheus came
quietly in the night
to take you on your way
softly through the dream
and

onward
onward
onward

but how do we grieve
when the space you filled
still holds your shape
still carries your scent
like a shadow lingering
after the form has moved on
there you are in memory
there you are in art
there you are in
painfully, honest words
right in front of me
and gone

a boat sits
safely moored
in the shelter
of protected bay
comfortable
with familiarity
of a scenery
that remains the same
and it suspects
this is joy
this is happiness
this,
this,
this is what is
meant to be

until a storm
tears it free
and sends it sailing
to the wide open sea
away from land
away from the hand
that held it by the wheel
and lost in the waves
it looked ahead
to a new horizon
and thought
these are greater arms
that hold me now
than have ever
held me before